Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.

Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.

This time he comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine, it was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. 

I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said " Why me, Lord, Why me. All of a sudden there was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said "Because, there's something about you that just pisses me off"

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a nice cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said to the person sitting next to him: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

 
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." 

"So?" the friend replied.

 
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Dick and Jane were driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. Dick is behind the wheel. Jane looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

Dick says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

Jane then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Dick stays quiet, but again speeds up as his anger increases.

Jane says, "I want the house."

Again Dick speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

Jane says, "I want the kids too."

Dick just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

Jane says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

Dick slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

Dick says, "No, I've got everything I need."

Jane asks, "What's that?"

Dick replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 5 year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." OK?"

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"