What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets sentimental over a romantic movie? "Pass the popcorn."
Why are men like paper cups? They're dispensable.
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around? Get married.
How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man? The La-Z-Boy recliner.
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours? None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
What's the greatest mystery about men? How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend? Every other woman around.
What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads? Themselves.
How is a man and a sports car alike? Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal? One
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day? Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made? Once, when it was still in the factory.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
a) We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
b) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband? Say she wants to talk to him.
When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them.
What's the real reason men can't communicate? It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
Why do so few men end up in heaven? They never stop to ask for directions.
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move? They never get a job.
What is a "man about town"? He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
How can you tell its puppy love for a man? He slobbers all over you.
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars? Dumbbells.
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"? He never had to date one.
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested? Wear perfume that smells like beer.
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios? "Oh look, donut seeds!"
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer? He wanted a foam mattress.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower? Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening? A candlelit football stadium.
What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days? The card.
How do you confuse a man? Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house? If they do anything around the house, it's odd!
Why did God make women so stupid? Someone had to like men!
How are men like accessories? If they don't compliment your wardrobe, shop for a new one.
How do you know a boy has grown up to be a man?
1. You don't 'cause he never will.
2. He buys more expensive toys.
What will your husband say if you, out of pure generosity, give five dollars to a bum? Thanks honey, but I need ten.
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? - Close the door!
Don't trust a man who says he's single and then picks you up in a Volvo Estate with a child seat in the back
If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander ? - It's too little to be let out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of "Classic Car".
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
I really didn't want to marry him for the money, but I couldn't find any other way to get it.
How do you get yourself a nice fur-coat? Find a wolf and skin him.
Why is it impossible for a man to make Jell-o? He can't figure out how to get two cups of water into that tiny package.
What's a man's favorite wine? 'Why is he driving a Porsche?? I deserve it more...'
What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a mans head? A Space Invader
How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face Monday morning? Tell him a joke Friday night.
I finally got my husband to do some gardening, but he broke his leg raking leaves. He fell out of the tree...
When do your words hurt a man? When you hit him with the dictionary...
What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations.
What is the most intelligent thing a man can say? .... yes dear.
Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler.
A man is walking down the street with a pig under his arm. He passes a person who asks 'Where did you get that?' The pig says, 'I won him in a raffle!'
What did the man say after watching the ballet? 'Why don't they use taller girls?'
When God made man she was only practicing.
Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.
For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.
Some men marry poor girls to settle down, and others marry rich ones to settle up.
The trouble for a man with being best man at a wedding is that he gets no chance to prove it.
The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
There is only one beautiful boy in the world, and every mother has one.
Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they're pigs!
Why do men have legs? So when your done with them they can leave.
Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men have such big nostrils? Look at the size of their fingers.
Q. What's the difference between men and alley cats? A. Men are taller.
Q. How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? A. It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Q. What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
A. I could have done that.
Q. Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
A. He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
Q. Why won't a man make a commitment?
A. He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels.
Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
Q. What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
A. Forty-five pounds.
Q. What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
A. Forty-five minutes.
Q. What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A. Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
Q: Why do men wear pants?
A: Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?
Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Q. Why did God create man in his own image?
A. Misery loves company.
Q. What's a man's idea of a romantic gift that is also practical?
A. A toaster that glows in the dark.
If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman to hear, is he still wrong?
A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.
Husbands never become good, they merely become proficient.
How many men jokes are there? None, they're all true.
What's the difference between men and algae? Nothing, they're both scum.
Q. What do you call three men at the bottom of a lake?
A. A start
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them real thin.
What's the difference between a man and a yogurt? A yogurt has culture.
Q: What's the most useful part of a man?
A: A wallet.
Your old man and your dog are both at the front door barking. Which one do you let in? The dog, because he'll stop barking when he gets in.
How can you tell when you have gained too much weight? Men start treating you with respect.
What do you call ten men lined up ear to ear? A wind tunnel....
How do you keep a man busy for days? Put him in a round room and tell him to look for the corners.
Why do men like to reek of beer? It keeps their body odor from being noticed
Why do married women complain about their husbands so much? Their husbands are men
Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy? Is there any other kind?
Q: Why do men get married?
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
What do you do if you see a field full of men? Smile... and reload your gun.
Q: What does a man do when it's not football season?
A: Hibernate.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.
Q: What do men and apes have in common?
A: Everything.
In England, a dumb man who doesn't do anything is called a Gentleman. Here we call him a boyfriend.
What do smart men do at the M&M factory? Proof read
What's the difference between your boyfriend and a pigeon? The pigeon can easily make a deposit on a BMW.
My husband had to cash a check, and the sign at the door said '24 hour banking'. But he turned and went back to the car, So I asked him why, and he replied: 'I don't have that much time'
The only time my husband ever got close to the sink was when he wanted to try tap dancing, and he broke his ankle falling into it.
Why did the guy drive all winter without snow tires? Because he was afraid they would melt in warm weather.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Why is shopping better than men? If you don't like it, you can take it back!
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.