If Women Ruled......
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their
pocket.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by
30 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Viagra Inspires New Drugs With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on
Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test
subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Why do men prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you.
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."
How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half-hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the crap out of you.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much? Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites Attract.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Double mint twins.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night? He controls himself.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work? It keeps them awake.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor? Because they are in them.
Why do men want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
What's the difference between a man and an ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
How many men would it take to mop a floor? No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a "successful hunting trip"? When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
What's the difference between a man and Big foot? One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What's a dumb man's martini? An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia? Waking up every few days.
Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter. He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her? He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High School.
We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
Why don't men eat between meals. There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship? We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
Why don't men do laundry? Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.
Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? He wouldn't ask for directions
All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one
Why do most men prefer looks to brains? Because most men see better than they think.
What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower
When does a man open the door of the car for his wife? A. When he has a new car. B. When he has a new wife.
Why are gingerbread men the best men of all? They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on? His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel.
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft.
What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out? She died laughing before she could tell anybody.
Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."