How to read personal ads: 

40-ish.....................49 
Adventurer..........Slept with all your friends 
Athletic.......................No boobs 
Average looking.......Has a face like a basset hound 
Beautiful...................Pathological liar 
Emotionally Secure.......Medicated 
Feminist.................... Ugly ball buster 
Free spirit.................Junkie 
Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut 
Fun.............................Annoying 
Gentle...................... Comatose 
Good Listener......... Borderline Autistic 
New-Age..............All body hair, all the time 
Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only 
Open-minded............Desperate 
Outgoing...................Loud and Embarrassing 
Passionate................Sloppy drunk 
Poet....................Depressive Schizophrenic 
Professional..............Certified Bitch 
Redhead....................Bad dye-job 
Romantic............Looks better by candle light 
Social.........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray 
Wants Soulmate........Stalker 
Widow.......Drove first husband to shoot himself 
Young at heart............Old bat

Annual Physicals!

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my Gosh! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. 

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" 

The lady says, "To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you arsenic for that reason" says the druggist. 

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The man in the picture is the lady's husband and the woman is the druggist's wife. 

The druggist looks at the photo and says" Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed  his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man. The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head.

His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his butt up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Budweiser and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it from the beer tap. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and respectfully fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church so I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks,

 "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?

The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

The Ultimate Response to a to Dear John Letter 

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to there headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown Trousers.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the full length of the train, searching for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was next to a middle aged, well dressed French woman and was being used by a well coiffured Poodle.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans, you are a very rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" 

The soldier walked away, limping on his wounded leg, eager to find a place to rest, but after walking the full length of the train again found himself standing before the same lady with the dog. 

Again he asked, "Please, lady, May I sit there? I am exhausted." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans are not only rude but you are also arrogant and disrespectful." 

With this the weary soldier very calmly reached down, picked up the dog and briskly threw it out the window of the moving train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke in a very calm, strong voice, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat with the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now sir, you have thrown the wrong Bitch out of the window."

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, " I didn't recognize you."