A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...

A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."

The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?"

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said,

"Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die.  First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." 

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all-alone in the Garden of Eden.

So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "Damn, that's expensive. What can I get for a rib?"

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't sleep with her."

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

"She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."