Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Subject: Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

After having their 11th child, an Redneck couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgian physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
A: Nice tooth!

Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A: A documentary.

Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

Q: Why were armadillos invented? A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

You Might be a Redneck If...
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.
2. Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that spam on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.
6. There is a stuffed possum (sic) anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo."
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
28. Your mother keeps a chaw (spit) cup on the ironing board.
29. You think a tube-top is appropriate attire for a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34a. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34b. You think that Preparation-H is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same, then they're rednecks too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You go to your family reunion to meet women.
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show him your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day-care.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message: "for a good time call ...," because you suddenly feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."
71. You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "misunderstood."
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
102. You have 5 cars that aren't mobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
115. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado
131. You fish in your above-ground pool (especially if you catch something!)
132. A sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
133. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons.' (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke ... if you laughed, you must be a redneck--only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.