An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays a half-hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" 

The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Three Canadian guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Newfie says, "I'm a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet in Saddam's Palace for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill Clinton sits down he notices that on the arm of Saddam's armchair there three buttons. They begin talking, and five minutes into the discussion Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out from no-where and punches Bill in the face. Saddam finds this very amusing and begins to chuckle. Mr. Clinton ignores this in a hope to find peace. Five minutes later Saddam presses the second button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and kick Clinton in the shin. At this point Saddam is in fits of laugher nearly falling out of his seat. Clinton is a tad pissed off but says to himself, "What the hell, if we can make peace then it will all be worthwhile." They continue their discussions and not five minutes later Saddam presses the third button, which causes a boot to come out from under the table and repeatedly kick Clinton in the balls. Clinton turns around to Saddam, who has finally fallen from his chair and is rolling around the floor in fits of laughter, and Clinton says, "I've had enough of this I'm going back to Washington. We'll talk about this in a couple of weeks," and he storms out of the palace. Two weeks later Saddam has come to the White House to finish off the talks. When he sits down he notices that there are three similar buttons on Bill Clinton's chair to the one he has. Saddam thinks to himself, "Clinton is obviously looking for revenge since he visited my palace, but I'm prepared." They begin talking and Bill Clinton presses the first button. Saddam ducks expecting to be hit and Clinton bursts into laughter, but nothing happens to Saddam. A few seconds pass and the talk restarts, then Clinton presses the second button. Saddam jumps out of his chair to dodge any oncoming attack and Clinton starts laughing again, but still nothing happens to Saddam. Saddam sits back down, and as soon as he's sitting, Clinton presses the third button. Saddam dives to the floor, Clinton is laughing hysterically, but still nothing happens. Saddam decides that he had enough of this game and says "Hell with this, I'm going back to Baghdad." Through tears of laughter Clinton says, "What Baghdad?"

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says,

"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!"

Several crews try, but none can get through. Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" he asks after he writes them out a check.

The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck."

After the grade-school class comes back inside, the teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess?"

Alice says, "I played in the sandbox."

"That's nice," the teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write sand correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Alice does, and she gets a cookie. Then the teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice."

The teacher says, "Good. If you can write box on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh- baked cookie." Billy writes the word, and he gets a cookie.

The teacher then asks Mustafa Abdul what he did at recess. "I tried to play with Alice and Billy," Mustafa answers, "but they threw rocks at me." 

"They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! The teacher says. "If you can go to the blackboard and write blatant racial discrimination, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his nightstick.

"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his nightstick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." 

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that bastard would've tried that crap with me!"

An Avon saleslady selling her products on the 40th floor of a high-rise apartment building felt a terrible gas pain. Looking for privacy, she spotted an empty elevator which she immediately entered and pressed (1). The doors closed and the elevator started descending. The Lady cut one that peeled the paint off the walls. It smelled so bad it brought tears to her eyes. She reached into her sample bag of Avon products and sprayed some pine scented room freshener to mask the terrible odor. The elevator stopped short of the first floor and as the doors opened, A drunk staggered in. The doors closed and the elevator started descending once again. The drunk started looking around the elevator while sniffing the air and wouldn't quit. Finally the Avon saleslady, hoping for a complement on her pine scented room freshener asked the drunk what it was he was smelling. The drunk replied: "I don't know for sure lady, but I think someone just crapped a Christmas tree."

~~~1960~~~~
It's the spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" 

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE 'TWIST!!!'"

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment.

"I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already here?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Thoughts on life 
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
Experience is something don't get until after you need it. 
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
He who hesitates is probably right. 
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research. 
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 
Two wrongs are only the beginning. 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory. 
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried. 
Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things. 
A fool and his money are soon partying. 
Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation. 
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. 
Half the people you know are below average. 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
Death is nature's way of telling you to ease up. 
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. 
Time is nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once. 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
No matter how careful the cut, a parent cannot equally divide something to the satisfaction of two siblings.