CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?"
The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?"
"Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid.
"Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.
The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."
A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we’re leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of his bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, " All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all you personal belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
"For those of you just boarding we ask that you store all of your carry on luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us." "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really does not bother me too much. They never smell and they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I have been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and they are quite silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you the hell you gave me, but now my farts, though still silent, really stink terribly!"
The doctor replies "Good!!" Now that we have cleared up you sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…"
Bill Gates = Mr. Microsoft
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!"
"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Deductive Reasoning
Man: "Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Man: "So what is you do for a living?"
Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right."
Neighbor: "The fact you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Man: "Right again."
Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Man: "Correct."
Neighbor: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Man: "Yup."
Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Man: "Cool."
Later that same day...
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Man: "Fag."
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"
The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. "Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"