25 Sayings we'd like to see on those Inspirational office posters...

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4.Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. We put the "k" in "kwality."
6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
8. Plagiarism saves time.
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
11. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
12. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
13. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
14. We waste time, so you don't have to.
15. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
16. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
17. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
18. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
19. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
20. Succeed in spite of management.
21. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
22. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning, than other companies do all day.
23. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
24. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Boss

1. Wild laughter, after you ask for a raise.
2. "I hope you don't mind that I took credit for your idea in the meeting back there."
3. As you're working to get a rush project done on time while he reads the Wall Street Journal: "Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee while you're up?"
4. "I'd like you to meet Marty, the newest member of our team. She'll be sharing your tiny cubicle with you for a while."
5. "I'm sorry to hear that you prepaid your three-day vacation, but Monday's not a company holiday, and you've used up all your vacation days for this year."
6. Calling from behind his closed office door (thankfully): "Cancel all my appointments this morning, I've just spilled coffee on my suit and am going to have to work stark naked until it and my underwear dries."
7. After days of trying to convince your boss to let you leave early just once so that you can schedule a dental appointment, and having your requests denied: "I need you to wrap up around four today so that you can give me a lift to pick up my Porsche. I'm getting new racing tires put on her."
8. On the Friday afternoon just before your vacation: "You don't mind working late tonight, do you?"
9. "Have you updated your resume lately?"
10. Any sentence that begins with: "Due to company cut-backs..."

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.