How to interpret employment ads:
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
BEST EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just the 15-minute power nap that they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the WhiteOut. You probably got here just in time!
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
5. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
6. I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?
7. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
8. The coffee machine is broken...
9. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...
10. ....in Jesus' name. Amen."
11. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
12. I'm in the management-training program.
13. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
14. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
16. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
17. I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
18. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'
CIA A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" ,they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Then there was the brewery employee's widow who wasn't able to collect her husband's insurance when he drowned in a vat. Eyewitnesses swore he got out four times to pee.
"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business. " "What are they?" The businessman said in a stentorian voice, "Integrity and wisdom." "Integrity?" "That's right. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may say, always keep your word once you have given it." "And wisdom?" "Don't be a horse's ass and give it."