God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

 "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.

 However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer"

 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

At a convention of biological scientist's one-researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

 "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

 "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

 "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. 

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

 "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:

"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

 The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's through the window.

 One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

 The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." 

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 .

 Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

 Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

 "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? Skeet.

The Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff? A Cadillac seats six.

Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first?? Housain, Business before pleasure.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney? A Doberman.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

What is the definition of a lawyer? A mouth with a life-support system.

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement? A whine cellar.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? 1) The vulture eventually lets go. 2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff what is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? A: Six -- if you slice them real thin.

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" 

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

 The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." 

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

 "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

 The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?" 

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

 "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

 "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

 The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. 

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

 His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer: Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?" 

Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said, "I'm fine!"

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

 The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

 "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

 "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

 So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer."