Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

 "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

 Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

 "Honest?" asked Billy.

 "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." 

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." 

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you. "

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

 When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

 Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

 "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

 "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

 The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

 The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"

 The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.

 The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."

 He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?"

 "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said, " I'm afraid not"

An experienced editor tried to explain the newspaper business to a cub reporter: "You can't sell any papers with a 'Dog Bites Man' story, but 'Client Runs Off With Attorney's Funds' -- why, that would sell out a special edition."

The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."

The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Then there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens: Judge: Are you the defendant? Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

 He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" 

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "

No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

 The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

 "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." 

The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.

 "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

 "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared.

 "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" 

"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!" But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. 

"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

 Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted. In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited. In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law. In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. 

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?" 

The housewife replies: "Four!".

 The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

 The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." 

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." 

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

 Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

 The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

 St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. 

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

 "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out:

 "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

 Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

 "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" 

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." 

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

 "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

 When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" 

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked.

 "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said, "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair."

 His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " 

The lawyer said, "I got the voltage lowered."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

 "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."