Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave a friend an entire portfolio." 

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"

 Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

 Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

 Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." 

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

 Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

 And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

 Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

 Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" 

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

 Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

 Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

 Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole. He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!"

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks, "What took you so long?" 

He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!"

 Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!"

 The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

 Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

 The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."

 A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

 The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

 The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"

 The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

 The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"

 The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

 The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!" 

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his friend what happened. "Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

 "Well," says the guy, "we all need companionship, so I suppose someday I would."

 "Hmm," says the wife. "Well, would she live in this house?"

 "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it," says the guy, "so I guess she would."

 "Would she sleep in our bed?" 

"Well, it seems a shame to waste a perfectly good bed," says the guy, "so I guess she would."

 "Would she use my golf clubs?"

 "Of course not," says the guy. "She's a lefty."

A man and a woman meet on vacation and quickly fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill says. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf."

 "Well, I'll be honest, too," Jody says. "I'm a hooker." 

The man looks crestfallen for a moment, then says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"