A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"That would suit me just fine" he replied.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye. 

The Ant and The Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION (a bit too true)

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"A pint for me please, and one for the road."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was boring but the reception was outstanding.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this meat taste funny to you?"


Daisy the cow: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly the cow: "I don't believe you,"
Daisy the cow: "It's true... no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." 
The other says, "Are you sure?" 
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


They say that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. By coincidence, there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mother or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.