Driving to the office this morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left. There was a woman in a brand new Mustang, doing 65 miles per hour, with her face up next to her rearview mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone fell away from my ear, landed in the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call.
Damn women driver.
My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that says 'First Iraq, then France'." Tom Brokaw
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France." Jay Leno
"France said this week they need more evidence to convince them Saddam is a threat. Yeah, last time France asked for more evidence it came rollin' thru Paris with a German Flag on it." Dave Letterman
Q. Why are all the highways in France lined with trees?
A. So the Germans can march in the shade!!!
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.
France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. Mark Twain
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted Nugent
The only way the French are going in with us is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army
Q. How do you stop a French Tank?
A. Shoot the guy pushing.
Q. How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris.
A. We don't know, it's never been tried.
The best French bashing line heard: "We can count on the French to be there when they need us."
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I up graded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as romance 9.9, and installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. In summary! Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby... Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Clinton and Al Gore are sitting round having a chat. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up. Gore says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't belive in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?
Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?"
How to say "I Love You" in 9 languages
English…..I Love You
Spanish …..Te Amo
French…..Je T'aime
German…..Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese…..Ai Shite Imasu
Italian…..Ti Amo
Chinese…..Wo Ai Ni
Swedish…..Jag Alskar
Wattsburg, PA…..Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"